2025.07.03

So many site updates...

• Made a web page for my favorite ginormous houseplant, Georgiana
• I asked friends on Mastodon about cozy TV and movie recommendations, and they delivered.
• I put up my list of Holiday Movies watched and rated on my original rating scale. Can't wait for the 20205 terrible holiday movie season to begin!
• Added my favorite memes, and then my favorite memes on paintings.
• Added connoisseur and reconnoiter to my list of things I can't spell correctly on the first try.
• Put all blog posts for 2021 on one page.

Our son got his wisdom teeth removed

My husband drove, and we picked up Sonbeam (Miles) and his boyfriend and went to the appointment. I thought it was so sweet that on the way, they were discussing how if Miles came out the procedure rambling in a hilarious manner, it was okay to film it, but here were the exact parameters of how and to whom it would be shared. It was funny to hear them talk about it, but also wonderful to see, yet again, what good communication and boundaries they have. As a parent that's just a total joy to witness, to see your kid not just loved, but respected.

My prioritizing good communication has definitely rubbed off on the kids. I've always told them, you have to be able to talk to each other, and you have to be able to laugh with each other. The other day Jupiter was complaining about a movie they'd watched at a friend's house. "It was just another one of those plots where it's all straight people refusing to talk to each other," and I laughed. "I KNOW RIGHT?"

Straight culture, I'm telling you. Queer culture is so much better at this.

We sat in the car while we waited, a good hour, and compared notes on all kinds of things. During this chat I was moving everything in my daily bag from one purse-thing to another, and showing boyfriend all the stuff in my daily carry bag. He said, "Greg, do you realize you're married to a magpie?" I do have a lot of weird stuff in my bag. I mean, not TOO weird, but just...yeah...part corvid for sure.

(This reminds me I want to make a page about my favorite bag, which happens to be the old version of the Atom, a sling bag from Patagonia. I made a page about my favorite houseplant, and my friend Evan said, "this is the best use of a website," so that's motivating.)

Miles came out of the appointment looking just tired at first, but in the car he started rambling a bit, and it was very cute. I've been told it's okay to share my two favorite parts....

The first is when he was staring and his boyfriend said, "What are you thinking about?"

Miles thought for a couple seconds and then replied, with great awe, "How soft my skin is."

The second is when they were talking about video games (Miles claimed he was sober enough to play Mario Bros, we were dubious), and Miles said, "But I'm nothing like Mario."

"How are you not like Mario?"

"I'm not Italian."

This appointment was kind of poignant for me because his boyfriend was doing all the caretaking, and this is the first time in his life that I've not been in the primary role for that. He had to go through a minor surgery when he was eight years old. He was so scared, as any kid would be, and he kept saying that he wanted me to be there when he fell asleep. I said I'd try but that I didn't think they'd allow that.

When we got there, he was clinging to me and I asked the staff if I could go back with him and stay with him until he fell asleep. They were sympathetic but said no, that this isn't allowed because it can be "too alarming" for the parent to watch their kid be anesthetized. But I was so calm about it, and I start dropping little bits of info, like that I'd finished an Emergency Medical Technician course a couple years prior and I was an oncology massage therapist. These two medical-sounding things plus my level of chill seemed reassuring enough that they finally relented and said okay, yes, I could be there when he was put under. But I had to leave immediately after. I could tell they were debating whether they'd made the right call.

When they delivered the magic stuff into his IV and he drifted off, I let go of his hand, calmly smiled at everyone and thanked them, and then walked out to the waiting room, into Greg's open arms, and cried. Miles was in good hands and everything went fine. But yeah, watching your child get anesthetized is not awesome. Although I had to laugh later that I had actually charmed my way into an operating room. Another Girl Scout badge for my sash, haha.

Nervous system recovery, weight gain, body image, gendery stuff, good friends saying good things

the recovery piece...

I turn 51 at the end of this month, which means the first week of July always has me reflective. I've done a lot of nervous system recovery work, which basically means good therapy, a lot of journaling, and a lot of following mental inquiry prompts from the various nervous system programs I'm in (in chronic illness circles these are also called "brain retraining programs").

I've learned so much. I've come such a long way, psychologically speaking. But the physical healing that is supposed to come along with that hasn't really happened. There have been some improvements, for sure. One of them I really noticed this year is that I can generally take a shower at any time of day. For years I've only been able to take a shower at night, because the experience is so exhausting that I basically have to collapse in bed after, often dizzy. Right now, in this moment, I can take a shower pretty much whenever I want, and be okay - with certain reservations. If I'm already pretty tired, then no, I can't. But even this minor-seeming shift feels big to me.

The lack of physical progress vexes me, for sure. At the same time, I have to admit that I haven't done much actual physical work this year. As in, most of these brain retraining programs have a lot of very specific routines and tasks designed to help the nervous system, things like breathing exercises, somatic exercises of all kinds, activities meant to help the vagus nerve, a whole bunch of things like that. And I haven't been doing those with any regularity. Just sporadically. Every teacher/coach from these programs that I've ever listened to, has expressed in one way or another that this avoidance is, actually, a real problem. Not doing these exercises can derail progress for sure.

So this year's task will be to start doing the physical work, not just the mental work. Which really hits at my avoidance, because as so many of us with PTSD and C-PTSD know, trauma is stored in the body. Which is why I love intellectualizing everything. My experience, my learning, my insights, let's keep it all in the head where I can keep it all compartmentalized, while leaving the body to do its thing.

Mostly unsupported, this body. Barely holding on some days, this body.

the body image piece...

I'm sure this has nothing to do with what I just wrote, heh, but the other thing that happened this year is I gained a lot of weight, and am having some kinda-serious weight-related health problems. Which I can't get into right now, because agh. But suffice to say, it's frustrating.

At this age and with this level of experience with body image issues, I wasn't ready for how much this would affect me. I thought I was over this by now. I am not. I don't feel like myself (not that I have for years anyway, chronic illness really does a number on that), and this weight gain is hitting my body image really, really hard.

I haven't decided what to do about this yet, but I have been bringing it up, in small bits, here and there, and the support has been lovely. A few days ago I did an interpersonally difficult thing. I told my husband and my friend, Jaime, about it, both of whom said the same thing: that I was "so brave". This surprised me, and I told Greg about that. I asked him why is what I'd done considered brave?

"Because you're willing to acknowledge the elephant in the room," he said. "And you do it well, and it makes things better. Not many people ever acknowledge those things, or want to - I certainly don't like doing it, but I've done it more over the years, because you encourage me. And that's courageous."

For some reason this landed. I beamed. Usually I don't know what to do with compliments, I think because they either seem like something I didn't have much to do with (like "nice eyebrows") or because it's as though someone is saying, "Hello, I perceive you, and I enjoy <waves hands up and down> what's going on here," and that is nice and all but also makes me want to hide in a hole to get away from the attention. Please stop looking at me. I beg you.

That didn't happen this time; I actually felt pride. It was nice. It's true, yes, this is courageous, and it took a lot of time and skill to be able to do this, and yeah, I do it pretty well. Wow. I hadn't really thought about it in complimentary terms before. I'm usually apologizing for it under the "I'm So Awkward" heading. Which has, let's face it, a lot of bullet points.

A day after this, a friend spoke about difficulties with some body changes and the self-image hit that they were taking from that, and I shared my struggles, and then talked about how it had somehow helped the body image feelings that I'd been called "brave" in this whole other realm of life.

Another friend in the discussion said, and I just loved this (so much I asked if I could share):

Brave is better than pretty! Appearance is entirely subjective; we have some social norms around it, but ultimately attraction is almost entirely an invention of the attracted. Courage, though, that's a thing all on its own 💚

This has stuck with me. It is really, really hard to be female in this world. The amount of weight (ha!) that is placed on our perceived physical attractiveness, to the exclusion of virtually anything else, is astounding. It was powerful to have a friend, close to me in age, who has also felt this conditioning her whole life, remind me that there is so much more to us than our appearance. That the skills I've worked to develop are more important and relevant and meaningful than what my body is doing at any given time. Courage is a thing all on its own.

Straight people should watch Heartstopper

In other entirely different and yet related news, certain straight people should really watch Heartstopper. I've heard it described as a "show for queer kids", which, yes, queer folks should definitely watch this. But so should straight people. It's so healing.

• Especially if you've ever realized you had this list of things you kinda hated about socially interacting with other people and then had the startling insight that most of what was on that list was directly rooted in straight culture. And yeah, straight culture is totally a thing. It's an exhausting, pain in the ass, entirely real thing. I've utterly and completely lost my patience for it. Thank the gods I have so many queer friends willing to socially shelter me. That is not a joke.
• Especially if you were bullied. Especially if you went through your school years feeling like you didn't fit in, and didn't really understand why.
• Especially if you aren't gay but you have gender....questions. Maybe you're just not like your peers, but you're also not gay, so like, what are you? (Hey hey, maybe you're a demigirl or demiboy, look that up, it's really helping me...)
• Especially if you've ever been repeatedly told you "wear your heart on your sleeve", but then scorned for the very vulnerability you can't change (advice from me? don't even try to change it, put it right in the center of yourself, let it co-pilot - it's a gift in the end).

If this sounds like you, I bet you'd love Heartstopper.

Okay that's it for now

Gotta go back to homework. Two classes this session! Two! What am I doing writing this when I have all that homework to get to? Avoidance, that's what! 😅