Aug.12 - Blaugust Day 12 - Finally looking forward, no more craning my neck into the past

Yeah, hi, still talking about autism

It feels like an entirely different life is starting. I messaged my doc to ask for resources for an official evaluation.

Family is still visiting

We've had such great talks. I feel more like myself than I ever thought possible. We talked about an adventure we all want to do together next summer, and I brought up some possible limitations relating to chronic illness and also the burnout state, which I'm currently very much in. I hope that will be much improved by next summer, but I can't know for sure (I'm realizing I've been in burnout for probably a decade at least, and it wouldn't surprise me if it took a good year or more to feel a lot better). Everyone was fine with everything, it was no problem, we can work around my stuff.

This was a big deal because I usually have a very idealized vision of Future Me, a person who is way healthier and stronger, who will not be a bother, who will not need the group to make adjustments, and who will enjoy the adventure in the same physical ways that 30-year-old healthy me was able to. Future Me will be able to do all the adventures that Present Me can't currently do.

Maybe it's having raised an autistic kid, but having been so protective (and proud!) of them, I just feel so fiercely protective of myself right now. I don't feel embarrassed anymore, to be who I am. I'm not broken. I might be weird, but I embrace that - I have for awhile, but even more now. And Future Me is a freaking mirage. She always has been. Having goals and a positive vision of future changes is one thing, but denying Present Me a place in the conversation because she's still struggling - that's an old shame about sticking out in a crowd, and a little bit of internalized ableism. And as I've learned, the sword is also for me too. So I said something. And it was just completely, utterly fine.

The past is quiet, I can stop looking backward

I wrote in my first post about all this on August 7th.....

I was able to understand my story. Things that happened in the past, the way I was brought up, the experiences I had as a kid that were different and/or traumatic, my family, why my teens and twenties were so brutal, why I struggled with the things I struggled with; in just a few short years, this went from feeling like a chaotic, steaming, painful pile of personal history that I couldn't make heads or tails of and often felt utterly chained by, to an organized understanding of my story, and a sense of real release and freedom.

I mostly (<-- see note below) know why I struggled. I understand what happened. Getting perspective on all of that was deeply healing.

I was talking to Jupiter and Greg about this. I was saying how this (the above) is all true in regard to getting my story straight, but that I'd really only gotten about 70% of the picture. But how this had felt like "all of it", because I'd started with about 5% of the picture (partly because much of my early family issues were not things I was ever allowed to ask or talk about, so I grew up in the dark). And the difference between 5% and 70% feels pretty huge, so I felt like yeah, I basically had the whole picture.

BUT NOW, now it's like I have 100%. I never in my life expected to have 100% of the context for understanding my own life. What a strange sentence to write, but there it is.

The result of this is the sweetest and most unexpected sense of peace. I never thought I could have access to this feeling. I hoped it was possible, but I didn't know if it ever really would be. The nervous system recovery work has been great, but as I wrote back on 8-7, I haven't gotten physically much better. In fact in a lot of ways I'd been getting worse. And my nervous system is just shredded. How can the nervous system recovery lead to such positive insights and healing about the past, but make the present nervous system so much worse? This just didn't make a lick of sense.

I get it now. The last 30%. This was it. This was the missing piece. Over the past few days we've had family visiting, and after the last couple months of frequent (though wonderful!) social events, I was in what felt like a dangerous place. I've watched enough videos to know I was very close to meltdown. I now understand that meltdown has happened to me many times, and each time I thought it was just "anxiety overload", like whoops, guess I just have really bad panic disorder (even though the symptom set has always been a little different a lot of stuff didn't quite make sense, but hey! Anxiety, right? It does all kinds of things! That's how the docs treated it, all they could ever see was "anxiety").

Meltdown isn't happening right now, because I'm masking way, way less. Oh I'm definitely exhausted. But I'm not collapsing in on myself, because I have an entirely different view of myself than I did five days ago. I trust my body, I trust my nervous system. If it tells me I'm overwhelmed, I literally get up and walk out of the room. Is it bad that I'm feeling this when no one else isn't? No, because I know now that my neurology is probably different, and that's okay. Also I've been in unintentional/accidental burnout for years, so it's okay that I'm more sensitive right now. I believe that if I keep taking care of myself, I will heal a lot of this, and what's left, I will just care for. Because that's how we treat people we love.

Do I note that I'm feeling a little distress? Am I not exactly sure what it is? That's okay. It will probably become clearer in a minute or so. For now I'll hold a fidget toy and stop looking at everyone, and stop trying to hold up one end of the conversation. Because they're all adults, and they can handle it, and I deserve to feel safe taking care of myself. And obviously I care what loved ones think, but also, they don't judge me for any of this. Anyway, when I do check in with them, then continue to say I'm great. I can trust this.

The sword is for me. But also, all those acres of gentleness I have inside? That I have been almost embarrassed about? That gentleness is also for me. It's in here for a reason. These are my gifts, my tools. I can use them. I think I'm meant to.

Present me is just...me

So, I'm going to talk to the doc about getting an evaluation.

I'm going to keep reading my books and watching my videos.

I'll keep learning, and growing, and adapting, and finding new ways to unmask.

What I don't need to do anymore is stand, in the present, looking backward, trying to figure out, why, why, why, what is going on? Did I miss something? Was there something I failed to unearth? My life is good, but if I'm this overwhelmed every moment of every day, experiencing this much distress, all my nervous system stuff getting worse instead of better, it must because I'm failing to SEE what's back there, tripping me up.

Nahhh. All that is done. I know what's going on. And I can handle it from here, from the present. I can finally move forward.

Onward and upward. :)