Aug.04 - Blaugust Day 4 - Chronic illness, more Eleventy love, and misc.

Eleventy is still wonderful

Thanks to Thomas Rigby for noting my Eleventy enthusiasm! :) Even though I'm in the middle of this crash (see note below), when I thought about making a Blaugust post, I felt no resistance at all. All I have to do is make a new markdown file, copy and paste the header info, adjust it to today, and start writing. Making links in the text is also so easy, I love that, too.

Nova is taking care of almost everything else, automatically. When I get done, I just move the files over, and Bob's your uncle.

If I had to cope with a writing HTML right now, I'd be dropping out of Blaugust very early.

Crashing

Unfortunately I'm having a dramatic and difficult chronic illness crash, which was a bit inevitable considering the last month of nonstop events. I'm bringing out all the coping tools and trying to get my buffer to chonk up. I've started drawing a little mana bar and shield bar meter in my BUJO. Both are perilously low. I'm a little worried that tomorrow I'll be bedbound. We'll see.

One way I can tell it's bad is that I have avoided looking at posts on my socials (my "socials" being Mastodon, that's basically it) that talk about happy traveling, or happy exercise, or happy work life. These are all things I haven't been able to do in many years. Usually I'm okay with it, in fact some friends in particular I live very happily and vicariously through, and enjoy getting all those details. Today, I couldn't look. That's always a really bad sign.

I sat with Greg and had a good cry about it. For years, I've avoided talking about these feelings. I was sure chronic illness was soon going to be a story in my past that I looked back on, with relief that now it was over. I thought, "I'll talk about it when it's in the rearview mirror." I wanted to be normal, hanging out with other normal people, just effortlessly fitting in, and only when I got to know them better would I reveal that time I wasn't normal. Only when I felt safe, would I share this part of my history. When it didn't count against me anymore. When they didn't have to consider me with it. When they could just see the real me. Free of this bullshit.

Well, "that time I had chronic illness" was at first a few months, then a few years, and now it's been two decades. And it's gone from something I effectively hid pretty well, to something I can't hide at all from anyone I want to have even the most basic, low-key friendship with. Even online friendships need this context. This stupid, stupid context. I hate this context. I want your context for me to be, "Oh, Hollie, yeah, well she might not get back to you because she's been in the woods for FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS, we assume she's fine because she's just SO FIT AND STRONG. Have you seen her biceps? You have GOT TO SEE HER BICEPS. Anyway, she'll be back later."

Instead, I have to give context for things like, "Here's why I can't guarantee I'll actually be at any event I agree to attend with you," and other fun contextual life stuff.

All this isn't to say I won't ever get well. I still believe it's possible. I'm still trying. I'm still doing programs like Somia and Gupta (and several others). I have made a little progress here and there.

But maybe, since not talking about it never helped it get better, I could accept its presence, and actually talk about it once in awhile. Maybe that would help. Avoiding the topic entirely, certainly never did.

And I have long given up on being normal, anyway, in a million other small ways. Why not this one, too.

Tomorrow I'll avoid the news, practice all the self-care I possibly can, and see if I can get some mana back.

Other things that happened today

Despite the crashing, there were good things...

Our dogs are still adorable. The cats are pretty cute, too.

Got to see friends and family tonight, and when I couldn't handle the loudness of the gathering, they were happy to let me retreat back to my room. It was fun to doze off and be able to hear their laughter. I'm so grateful for the people in my life. (One of these days I want to see them at the finish line of a 5k, cheering me on.)

This guy is making photos using negative paper and a tin can, and I'm practically sitting on my hands to avoid rushing out and buying what I need to do this, too. It isn't that I can't, it's more that I have a lot of other things I need to focus on. But I'm doing this one day.

Still loving The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches. The narrator continues to be wonderful. I'm in love with all the characters.

It was the perfect temperature today. I wished I could be outside on a bike or in a boat, all day. I kept the windows open so I could smell the air. I have a strong nose, I'm abnormally oriented toward smells. The main character in the Irregular Witches book is as well (it's apparently a feature of her witchery), and there's a cute scene where, without thinking, she tells someone how good they smell, and is then horribly embarrassed. It made me smile. I have done this.

Not that being socially awkward is limited to smells. I have also explained to an ER doctor (under the influence of heavy pain medication), "You're too good-looking to be doing this job," and blurted out to several people, of different genders, that they have beautiful eyelashes. I mean, because they did. And how can anyone not want to know this about themselves?

It may be good I don't get out much.